UMASS BASKETBALL PLAYER DERRICK GORDON BECOMES FIRST ACTIVE MALE NCAA DIVISION 1, TO COME OUT AS GAY, "THERE WERE NIGHTS I'D CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP"

As the African-American community continues to open their hearts and minds, more and more men of color are finding the courage to be honest with themselves and others. Former NFL player Wade Davis, Kwame Harris who was arrested after assaulting his ex-boyfriend, NBA player Jason Collins, and NFL draft prospect Michael Sam are among the courageous athletes who identify as homosexual in testosterone dominated careers. The latest courageous soul is that of  Massachusett's guard

Derrick Gordon. The 6'3" guard from Plainfield, N.J. came out to his teammates in the locker-room.  With his high school coach Anthony Nicodemo, Wade Davis and his college basketball head coach Derek Kellogg by his side, Kellogg broke the ice for Gordon. "We're all here together, and we need to love each other for who we are," he said. "One of your family members, your brother, wants to let you know something about himself." Sensing that Gordon was still uncomfortable with coming forward, Kellogg added, "I wanted to let you all know I'm gay." The members of the basketball team sat in silence, but their thoughts of confusion could be read on their faces. Kellogg had been happily married for nine years, which left the players stunned. Knowing that it was now or never, Gordon finally spoke up. "No, he's not. But I am." Gordon began pouring his heart out to his teammates, teammates who had unknowingly pushed him further into the closet, almost warranting him to quit basketball all together. His torment began last year when his then-boyfriend posted a photo on Instagram of the two of them in front of a gay bar in New Jersey. Gordon had new about the post, but wasn't concerned as he felt as though no one would see the photo of him on his boyfriend's random Instagram account. Knowing the consequences, for some strange reason, Gordon "liked" the photograph online and within hours his teammates began questioning him about his sexuality.

Gordon denied being homosexual, but his teammates began teasing him over the photo for the next couple of weeks, causing the outgoing player to withdrawal from everyone. "That was probably the lowest point I was ever at. I didn’t want to play basketball anymore. I just wanted to run and hide somewhere. I used to go back to my room and I'd just cry. There were nights when I would cry myself to sleep." Gordon eventually confronted his teammates about the teasing, and while it slowed down when he was around--behind his back the snickering continued within the locker room. He continued to isolate himself even further from his UMass teammates. "Most of the time when you see me on campus, I'm alone. I eat alone a lot. Since the school year started in September I haven't been to one party. I'm always working out or lifting or in my room. I do the same thing over and over every day. I feel like I can't be who I am or live my life."

The 22 year-old felt as though he couldn't go anywhere. Always keeping his phone with him, angling it the "right way" just to make sure no one would accidentally see a text message from his then-boyfriend. "I was just afraid that if I was to go to a party or a gay club in Boston, someone might spot me. I was well-known in the Massachusetts area. I didn't want to do anything where someone could recognize me." The only place Gordon felt safe was in the nightlife of New York City.  He often visited the gay clubs, catching two trains just to venture into a world where he could be himself without ridicule or judgment. No one knew him in New York. He could be anonymous. He could introduced them to the real Derrick Gordon. However a few times last year, he was recognized in what was once considered to be his safe-haven, causing him to delve deeper into depression.

"It was the worst four years of my life," never forgetting the accolades he had garnered throughout his four years. "It was torture. I was just going around faking my whole life, being someone I'm not. It's like wearing a mask because everyone else was wearing that mask. Now that I’m taking the mask off, people can finally see who I really am." Sensing his internal conflict, a friend of Gordon introduced him to gay former NFL player Wade Davis, who would help him understand that he can be openly gay and still pursue his dreams of being a professional athlete.

"He seemed lost and confused," Davis said. "He was searching for family, searching for a space where he could be himself. I don’t think he had that on his team, and he hadn’t met other gay males whom he could connect with. He was trying to navigate his love of basketball with his need to be his authentic self. He was bordering on depression." After receiving a boost in courage over the next couple of weeks, Gordon was determined to live his truth. After a weekend trip to Philadelphia with his basketball coach Anthony Nicodemo who had come out as gay a year earlier, Gordon felt as though it was time to come out the closet himself.  After a meeting with the executive director of the national LGBT athlete network GO! Athletes, Gordon was ready.

On Sunday, March 30th after returning home, he came out to his family. His father was surprised, his mother was not-so-much. "Mom says I had gay tendencies growing up. In elementary school, I did ballet. I don’t know why I joined that, but back then I thought it was just fun. The girls would always pick on me because I was the only boy. My mom said we'd go to a football or basketball game, and I'd repeat the stuff the cheerleaders were doing." On their ride back to the train station, Gordon and his father could not avoid the revelations of the previous night. "Are you sure about all this?" His father asked. "Are you sure you’re straight?" Gordon replied. The two laughed, before his father gave him the final ounce of courage to come out to his teammates. "I love you and I’m proud of you. I’ll always be there for you. Everything’s going to be fine."

When Gordon returned, With Davis, Nicodemo and Kellogg by his side, he poured out his soul to the men who had unknowingly affected him in the worst way. "It was powerful for these players to see one of their brothers be so vulnerable," said Davis, who said he had to turn away from the group in the room lest they see him get emotional. "These are some inner-city kids, some rough, tough kids who Derrick wants to be friends with. They understand who he is a little bit better now." "It was powerful," said Nicodemo, who was in the room. "Even Wade and I got a little teary-eyed when he started to choke up. I thought it went as well as it could go. His teammates listened, they pledged their support to him. I was really impressed with how coach Kellogg handled it. As coaches we have our own philosophy of what ‘program’ means. This showed some real strength in his philosophy. Nobody is going to be left out of the mix."

So how did Gordon feel after claiming his sexuality in front of those who matter most to him? "Happy' is not even the word," Gordon said. "It's a great feeling. I haven't felt like this. Ever. It's a lot of weight lifted off my shoulders. I can finally breathe now and live life happily. I told all the people I need to tell." "God put me in this situation for a reason, so I have to take advantage of it. Maybe he wants me to be the starter of something big. Maybe he doesn't want me to feel the way I felt anymore. Whatever he has in store for me, I’m ready." And he's ready to put the naysayers to rest. "People think gay men are soft," Gordon said. "I'm not. Especially my background growing up, I was never a soft kid and I'll never be a soft kid. People think gays are very delicate. That's not the case at all. I know Michael Sam and Jason Collins aren’t delicate. My strength coach compares me to a pit bull. There's no softness in this body."

He now sees his life as an opportunity to help others, the same way all of the men in his life assisted him. "When kids aren't able to come out, I know why. It’s a scary thing. That's one of the reasons I’m doing this. I want to give kids some courage and someone they can look up to. If I can come out and play basketball, then why can't they do it? I want to be able to help those people." "I truly believe this year is going to be very special."   [SOURCE]