My last relationship ended because I wasn't emotionally available and failed to make my boyfriend feel secure about our future.
I've never been one to let my guard down quickly when it comes to love or even friendship. It isn't my style. When I meet people I prefer to take my time getting to know them, study their actions and try to build a genuine connection that goes beyond the physical. I don't take what people say as their truth, but rather take what they say and wait for their actions to confirm their words to be truth or lies.
In this situation I was honest. I let him know that in the past it's taken me seven months to fall in love and in one case I was with someone for almost two years and never fell in love with him. He knew that I have short term goals and that reaching them within a certain time frame was extremely important to me and by me reaching those goals, he would reap the benefits as well.
I understood that he was in love with me, even after only having known me for two months, but I just wasn't there. It felt awkward at times when we were getting off the phone and he would say, "I love you" and all I could say back was, "I know you do." What else was I supposed to say?!
When he first told me that he loved me, all I could do was promise him that I could see myself loving him in the future, but there was no set date on when that moment would come as love happens naturally, without force. I thought he understood, but as time went on, it was evident that he didn't.
"I think we need a break. You're always working, you're so hard to read and I don't feel like I'm a priority in your life." He continued, "I don't feel secure enough in this relationship that you will be there in the future and I don't want to waste my time loving someone who can't say it back."
There was nothing I could do at this point as I couldn't force my heart to feel something that it wasn't. I couldn't chose to work less when my goals require me to work more, and the thought of being able to provide a better situation for he and I was my motivation, but somehow that wasn't enough to convince him that I indeed saw a future for us. He later told me that his reasoning for asking for the "break" was apart of his plan to get me to fight for the relationship.
Well months after we've broken up, I realized that we would never work. He had no real ambition, a part-time job, no car, no place of his own and all of the money he did make went into his music career. No plan-B, just plan-A, not okay with me, hence why in this situation (unlike others before it), I refused to fight.
The instinct to fight or flight is a programmed response that happens in light of a destructive assault or danger to our survival. It's human nature, ensures us from being harmed – and I think the same applies to relationships. I won't claim to be a relationship guru, however I have been in a decent amount of them. And when the end is near, you have two alternatives: go to war, or walk away.
We've all been through relationships and have had our fair share of breakups. It's a part of life and many of us will have more fizzled connections than long-lasting ones. We need to experience a couple of "Mr. Right Nows" before we discover our forever.
Then again, fizzled connections teach us lessons about love and life – what we will and won't endure and what we like and dislike. They are learning experiences that will shield us from making the same mistakes in the future. Anyhow what's truly paramount is the reason we split. When I was dumped – after the crude feelings subsided — I began to contemplate why the relationship finished and why I didn't fight for it. At the point when individuals split, for me it comes down to two ideals: things you are ready and willing to change and those things that you refuse and cannot change. Taking into account the reasons, you can choose whether to battle and fix the issue, or fly in light of the fact that the circumstances are outside your ability to control.
As a man, it is my natural instinct to go to war. It's the "how could you dump me" reflex. There's truly no explanation for that instinct to fight, other than my pride as a man. Sad, yes, but it is also genuine. A gentleman who is immature may want to win their man back just to separate with him on his own terms. Nonetheless, there are things in love that are worth battling for: the things you are ready to change and are worth changing. The value of those changes are focused around your dedication to the circumstances. In the event that your man lets you know he needs more consideration, needs you to tune in, or needs a promise, those are things you can change, in the event that you want to. If he's reaching out for you, more than likely he doesn't want to end it; he simply needs you to step up.
If he begins criticizing your personality, your appearance, your religion or aspirations---there's only so much you can do about those things. You could attempt to change who you are---be more pleasant, kind hearted, more clever, masculine, feminine and so on. Yet unless you've truly experienced some sort of change that was initiated by your own need for personal growth, you won't be able to keep up this new persona for long. You could shed pounds, dress in an unexpected way, and change your hairstyle. This change is a tiny bit more achievable, however would it be true to who you are? Religion? Maybe you're Christian and there are certain things you won't do. Maybe no have sex before some sort of commitment, maybe not even before marriage now that we have that option. It might be wise to pick your God, someone whom you know will always be there for you now and forever. Or your goals? I know what I want out of life within the next 3 years and I refuse to let anyone get in the way of my success. I was put on this earth to fulfill a purpose, therefore any man who's in my life should understand, not because of my view on things, but because within that purpose is the perfect man for me. A man who understands and supports my growth in life, especially if it's to benefit the both of us.
It's your decision to fight or flight. However take the time to think before you act and don't let it be an instinctive decision. In the event that you decide to go to war, verify its what you truly need and that you are dedicated and have a plan in action to accommodate the needs of your partner.
On the flip side, if the relationship does come to a close, take a lesson from it. This will guarantee that you don't make the same mistake in the future, or that if you were to ever encounter said situation again, you will know if you can deal, the plan to deal and take things from there.
No comments:
Post a Comment